Hi friends I am really happy to be able to join the ‘Word Of The Week’ link up today. The reason why I am blogging on the weekend is that I have time! So my word of the week is…..
Time
Adjusting
I wasn’t used to having spare time and it has taken a lot of adjusting. Up until March last year, I cared for my elderly mum. And I wouldn’t ever change the time I was able to do that for the whole world. When she passed she not only left a huge hole in my heart. She also left me feeling lost with endless chunks of time and I hated it!
When she was alive I used to wish for more hours in the day so that I wasn’t always rushing around. Trying to squeeze in full-time work, household stuff and care for her. I don’t think that I did everything successfully as I was always frazzled, and not as patient as I wish I could have been.
In the weeks after her passing and life returned to ‘normal’ I would get home from work and I would just sit there wishing for my usual afternoon routine that involved caring for my mumma. I used to joke with my colleagues when I said goodbye after work and say “see you tomorrow, I’m off to do the night shift now”. Oh, how I longed for those days and I still do!
Masking
Up until about a month ago, I think that I was masking my grief by being extremely busy. I did everything I could just to stay busy so that I wouldn’t have to think or feel. Then I would fall into bed and sleep….isn’t sleep a wonderful temporary relief from sadness?
In May last year, about a month after my mum had passed I redid her bedroom and changed it completely. Seeing it the way she left it just hurt too much. So I emptied it and painted it all white. While I was busy working on her room I found that I didn’t have time to think. I made sure of this by listening to audiobooks or playing music very loudly.
And I didn’t stop there I went on to paint my bedroom the hallway and the dining room. All while I was off from preschool and on term breaks. I did everything possible to stop myself from thinking. And I was determined to fill up any spare time that I had by doing something that required me to stay very very busy.
I thought I was doing great by being so productive. Go me!! So when I had my phone consultation with the grief counsellor and she asked me what I had been up to. I rattled off a very long list of all the things that I had been doing. I expected her to congratulate me and tell me how amazing I was and how well I was coping. Maybe I thought, just maybe she would even say that I was all cured of grief and good to go. But no…..she was very quiet. Then she gently said, “don’t you think that you might not be giving yourself time to grieve?”.
Guilt
Initially for me having any spare time equalled feelings of guilt. I know that this probably doesn’t make much sense. But all I could think of was how could I enjoy any spare time when that meant that my mum was gone. It’s crazy what grief does to your thinking, isn’t it?
Time
Everyone always says that time heals. I agree, time does heal but I’m not sure that you can ever be completely healed after you lose someone you love very much. I had pretty much exhausted myself over about six months and then I got sick with Covid. And that pretty much stopped me in my tracks. I was so sick I could hardly move and I had all the time in the world to think. I recovered from covid and then I had to face my grief. Dang!
I have spent a lot of time thinking and feeling lately. And I have spoken to many close friends who have helped me immensely by sharing their own experiences dealing with grief. I have prayed, I have cried……a lot. And now I am starting to find that I am not so afraid of spare time anymore.
This past week is probably the first week where I have done things because I wanted to and not because I was desperate to fill up time. I have taken my time cooking meals and I actually enjoyed the process. I have done decluttering and organizing. Not because I felt scared that I had nothing to do but because I actually felt like doing these things. I have even wasted time and not felt guilty! Truly a first.
Some Final Thoughts
I’m naturally a happy person and I don’t like being sad. But I never fake my feelings. If I’m sad you’ll know about it that’s for sure. Now as I reflect back on the past few months I know that I have come a long way. While I was going through my ‘busy’ season I still found satisfaction in doing what I was doing. I mean I’m glad that I did paint most of the house. I did enjoy the fun times with my family and I was happy when I went on all the special outings.
But I think that the whole time I was doing all the things. I had a yucky feeling of guilt in the pit of my stomach. I felt guilty about having time to enjoy life. It’s taken a lot for me to stop thinking like this. And slowly with a whole lot of reassurance, I am starting to believe that it’s ok to have time and it’s ok for me to take this time to do things that I enjoy. Yes, now I am sure that my mum would want that for me too.
I’m so sorry to hear about your Mum and your grief. We are all different and grief is a very personal experience. I’m glad you are working through it and beginning to understand your feelings more. I remember my Mum being a carer for her Mum and how it affected her once she had gone. I was already married with children and I tried to be there for her but maybe I could have done more. When my Mum left us, it was incredibly quick. Pain put her in hospital and an MRI gave her weeks to live. It was a big shock. Quick or slow, it’s never, ever easy x
Thank you Anne xx
Grief is such a process. After my dad died, I went straight back to work and only allowed myself to think and feel on the weekends. It took me a while to process through it all. I’m like you. As long as I stay busy, I’m “fine”. I’m glad you are finding your way into enjoying your time now. I’m sure your mama would want you to be happy and enjoy yourself. And it sounds like you did a fantastic job of caring for her.
Thank you Mandy 🙂
Yay! So lovely to see you joining in with Word of the Week.
As well as the sadness it must have been such a change to your life having all of the spare time. It sounds like Covid was a blessing in disguise, making you slow down and face your grief. Sending love and hugs. x
Thanks Kim xx
So sorry to read about the passing of your mum. I lost my dad last year, we didn’t have a very close relationship, and I worked through my grief. His death really impacted me and if I felt like that for him no idea how I will feel when I lose my mum and stepdad. I’m glad you are making peace with yourself. Caring for someone takes up so much time. I care for my son and it is draining thinking about someone else’s needs as well as your own. If that suddenly stopped it would be a shock to my system too. I hope this coming year is kind to you #WotW
Thank you so much for your kind words Jane xx
A very thoughtful post. You’ve done well to work through your grief and knowing it will always be an ongoing process. Sending you warm thoughts.
Thanks Sarah xx
I’m so sorry for the loss of your mum back in March. I can imagine adjusting to the change in routine and being left with those additional chunks of time is hard. I can relate to keeping busy and distracted from grief – I’ve done a lot of that too since my daughter died, but I’ve learned to make space for grief when it needs it too. Grief can be very hard to live alongside and I don’t think you completely heal from it – it changes you and you move forward but you can’t go back completely to the person you were before. I’m glad you’re beginning to believe that it’s okay to have time and it’s okay to do the things you enjoy no matter what grief-guilt might tell you. I’ve certainly learned that that joy and sorrow can co-exist and it’s okay to feel both. #WotW
I am so sorry for your loss Louise. Thank you so much for your very kind words, they truly mean so much. Sending warm hugs xx